1. Give your dog a name. All dogs like to be called SCHNOOT.
2. Don't allow your dog to climb onto your couch. GET THE DOG ITS OWN COUCH.
3. Make sure you feed your dog right. TAKE IT TO RESTAURANTS WHERE THEY INVITE THE DOG INTO THE KITCHEN.
4. HOUSE-TRAIN YOUR DOG. That is, squeal and shout encouragement every time the dog takes a squat in the open. This lets everyone around you know how well-trained your dog is.
5. DO NOT FRIGHTEN YOUR DOG. Put your nose three-quarters of an inch from its nose and say many times over in a loud voice: OH, SHAGGY DOG. This lullaby teaches them to expect your close attention.
6. REMEMBER DOGS LIKE RITUALS. The best way to satisfy this need is to tell them all your best jokes over and over again. Sometimes they will bark their approval. This is to be encouraged.
7. DOGS RESEMBLE THEIR OWNERS, except dogs are better. If the owner is a sourpuss, don't forget to be exceptionally nice to the dog. If the dog is a sourpuss, ignore the owner.
8. DOGS LIKE MAKING DATES. Encourage your dog to take an interest in attractive women. Their main joy in life is bringing unattached males into contact with potential mates.
9. DOGS DESERVE
A COMFORTABLE CAR. Find the most luxurious car you can afford and give
them the back seat to enable them to travel in style.
10. DON"T WORK FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT ALLOW DOGS IN THE OFFICE.
Dogs play an essential role in creating a sense of community. Nothing
is more pleasing than to see a dog go into the Director's bureau and bring
the bigwig out from a useless, overcrowded meeting into the corridor where
you can then pass on a selection of your choicest jokes in a one-on-one
exchange.